TOM WAITS AND MISS RIGHT The one & only good impression I do is Tom Waits. Talking or singing. A friend called the other night. He met Miss Right whose favorite singer is Tom Waits. Run, run like the wind, I told him,  because nobody's favorite SINGER should be Tom Waits. One thing led to another and he lied and bragged to Miss Right that he actually KNOWS Tom. Could I pretend to be Tom and call her, he asked me? No way!, I exclaimed. But he pleaded. He was pathetic. And I owed him a favor -- which is much worse than owing someone money. OK, I agreed to a compromise. I, as "Tom," would call his machine to leave a short, friendly hello message for him and he could play the message for her or do whatever he wanted with it. I made the call. He called back singing praise of how well "Tom" sounded on preview for him. My friend and Miss Right had another date. Their date was wonderful. He was supposed to play the answering machine tape message over the phone for her later. Only the date was so wonderful that she went home with him. "Oh, the light's blinking. I better listen to my messages," he said to her, so cool. Oh, imagine her surprise!  Miss Right listened and was just speechless, so impressed as she heard her favorite singer Tom Waits leaving a message for this new man in her life. He couldn't help but notice that she was taking off her shoes and had reached inside her sweater to remove her bra as "Tom" wished her date well and said hi.  However, Einstein forgot to hit the off button on his machine and the next message played from an irate, sometimes girlfriend Lisa, calling from a bar to tell him off for seeing Jody again. My friend could hear Jody in Lisa's background and the two ladies struggling for the pay phone receiver in the Highland House. He said he kept trying to smile at Miss Right in the room with him and was about to pretend this Lisa versus Jody call was just a wrong number.  Next he heard Jody on the phone. She was irate but willing to forgive if he told Lisa to hit the road for good. And by the way, Jody said to him on the tape, your friend, I forget her name, the one who imitates Tom Waits, just ran through to use the bathroom. My friend couldn't look up at Miss Right. He was so embarrassed. He was so busted. He was so not getting laid that night. But as fate would have it, Miss Right looked at him, continued to undress and said he should have his friend who imitates Tom Waits call his real friend Tom Waits to play a joke on her real favorite singer. That would be really funny, she said. True story...   Click to return to essay list            Homepage